| 14 September 2011
We knew this day was likely to arrive at some point, but last Saturday may have been when it finally arrived.
I'm talking about the day when Wladimir and Vitali Klitschko ran out of legitimate challengers to their heavyweight titles. That's assuming they won't fight each other, and even if the story about them promising their mother they wouldn't is apocryphal, I'm not holding my breath.
Oh, sure, there are still guys out there. Teddy Atlas still has hopes of getting Alexander Povetkin ready to take on one of the brothers. Vitali apparently wants to fight David Haye, but there's little reason to think that would be any more interesting than when Wladimir beat Haye earlier this year.
Maybe it's time to just stop sending smaller men to battle the Klitschkos. Because as the old saying goes, size does matter. Wladimir and Vitali are both smart, well-trained boxers, but it's the marriage of those smarts and skills to their huge frames that has proven such a difficult nut to crack.
There are undefeated heavyweights like Robert Helenius and Tyson Fury that could look either Klitschko in the eye (or even look down on one, in Fury's case). That seems like cheating though - simply looking for someone bigger. To me, the fun exercise is trying to figure out what it would take for a smaller heavyweight to take down one of the brothers.
If I could combine the DNA of numerous men (like Serpentor!) to create the ultimate smaller challenger for the Klitschkos, here's what I'd be throwing into the mix:
* Crazy defensive skills
Good defense isn't enough against the Brothers Klitschko. You need something really special to be able to avoid those piston-like right hands.
Think Floyd Mayweather-caliber defensive skills don't exist at the heavyweight level? Well you're right, but it's possible to get close. I was in attendance at Boardwalk Hall in Atlantic City back in 2002 when Chris Byrd defeated Evander Holyfield. There were times during that fight that Byrd simply left Holyfield flailing at air after dancing out of the way.
Without evasiveness like that, the Klitschkos will simply wear you down over time. Thus, our mythical challenger is going to be an escape artist par excellence.
* A good jab
Both of the brothers have excellent jabs and are wise enough to put them to good use. You don't have to look any further than that to understand why the likes of Haye and Adamek were unable to get inside and do any damage.
Yet it's possible to fight fire with fire when it comes to the jab, and it's probably essential to do just that to have a chance against the Klitschkos. Even though the brothers will still have a reach advantage on our little Frankenstein's monster, he'll still be willing and able to commit to his own jab.
He needs to give Wlad or Vitali something to think about and give yourself a shot at closing the distance without just wading in. Get that jab pumping.
* Some kind of reliable inside weapon
Assuming that his defense and jab can get our boy inside without having his head handed to him, he's going to need a way to do some damage once he gets there. He needs a money punch. something he knows will hurt the guy it hits.
It doesn't matter exactly what kind of punch fulfills this requirement, but in the spirit of playfulness, I'll prescribe something different for each brother. For Wladimir and his once-and-possibly-still shaky chin, a devastating uppercut a la Mike Tyson (the video game version of Tyson would be even better). And for Vitali, I'm looking at a left hook to the body, Micky Ward style.
Thanks to his close range weapons, our smaller challenger is armed and ready to pull off the upset.
* A sturdy chin
Even with the attributes listed above, it's time to face an unpleasant fact: Our guy is going to get hit, and he's going to get hit hard.
Hey, the Klitschkos didn't attain their stranglehold on the division by being slappers. Both men have knocked out a high percentage of their opponents, and even though the stoppages generally come from cumulative damage instead of single-shot bombs, does that really matter when you're being punched by someone the size of Wladimir or Vitali?
When all else fails - and it surely will, at some point in the fight - my imaginary warrior will be able to take some flush shots without fading. Maybe it will even give him a psychological edge when the lucky Klitschko sees he's not going anywhere.
So basically I'm looking for a combination of Byrd, Tyson, Ward, Arturo Gatti and Sonny Liston, all wrapped in a package that is less than 6-foot-6 and between 200 and 240 pounds. I'm fairly certain that man doesn't exist, but we can always dream, right?
